Growth Does Not Require Me to Shrink
There comes a point in self development when you have to ask yourself a difficult question:
Am I actually growing, or am I constantly adjusting myself to make other people more comfortable?
I recently had a conversation with someone I once considered a sister that forced me to sit with that question.
The conversation itself wasn’t explosive. There was no dramatic betrayal happening in real time. No screaming or major revelation. It was actually something small. But sometimes a small interaction doesn’t create the problem. It simply reveals what you’ve already been feeling. The pattern and behavior, the compatibility and how time is being spent.
This situation not only helped me shift in personal habits, mindsets and behaviors I needed to change but it also helped me make a better decision of removing myself from things I no longer want.
Sometimes the Current Situation Isn’t the Whole Situation
One of the biggest lessons I’m learning is that people may judge a decision based on the moment in which you finally make it.
They don’t always see everything that came before it. They see the boundary and share their perspective of it. They don’t see the hundred moments that made the boundary necessary or they didn’t actively listen to the times you were vulnerable, expressing how you felt.
They see you stepping away but they don’t see how many times you stayed and constantly forgave. They see your reaction today but they aren’t privy to see what you’ve been processing for months or even years.
That’s why I’ve stopped believing that every decision I make about a relationship has to make sense to the other person. I know what brought me here. And what I don’t want. And sometimes that’s enough.
I Can Receive Your Experience Without Making It My Identity
During this particular conversation, I received feedback about how someone experiences and perceives me.
I was told that I can dominate conversations. That my passion can feel overpowering. That when I’m explaining something strongly, another person can experience that as me trying to persuade them. When in fact I am not here to convert anyone to anything that I believe, I just like to define things, have clarity and be on the same page so that we’re flowing in alignment. Sometimes people can be so used to chaos we get comfortable in operating in it instead of just eliminating it. Or navigating conversations with people casting spells knowingly and unknowingly, where two or more people aren’t having the same conversation or sharing an understanding.
I listened and I’m still listening. Part of working on myself means being willing to ask uncomfortable questions and make uncomfortable decisions. And take criticism constructively.
Do I give people enough room to speak?
Do I know when someone needs my analysis and when they simply need my presence?
Do I sometimes continue explaining myself after I’ve already made my point?
Can I become a better listener?
Absolutely.
Those are questions worth asking but self reflection does not require self erasure. Self containment doesn’t allow for self development to take place, especially if you’re stuck in a cycle where you’re not even on the same page.
Someone else’s experience of me is information. It is not automatically my identity. So I take heed to it. Taking what I need and leaving what I don’t.
There is a difference between someone saying, “This is how I experience you,” and me deciding, “This must be who I am.”
I don’t have to accept every interpretation of me in order to be accountable. I care and I can take the lesson without taking the label.
I Don’t Want to Make Myself Smaller Anymore
I’m naturally analytical and passionate. When I’m interested in something, I go deep or talk with my hands. When someone asks me a question, I’m probably going to explain my answer. Provide evidence to support it.
I think about systems, business, culture, relationships, communication, opportunities, problems and solutions. I studied sociology because I’m generally interested in solving social problems and social science.
That’s part of me.
There have been times when I’ve found myself containing those parts of myself because I could sense that someone else was uncomfortable with them or teased about it. I’m also learning to just be in rooms and spaces where I can be my full self. And when I’m flowing through my different networks I have an ethical way of being. I am forever a work in progress.
Talking less.
Explaining less.
Sharing fewer ideas.
Making myself less excited.
Trying not to appear “too ambitious.”
Trying not to be “too much.”
And I’m learning that there’s a difference between developing emotional intelligence and constantly reducing yourself for compatibility.
I absolutely want to become better at handling people with care.
I want to know when to speak.
When to listen.
When to advise.
When to comfort.
When to leave something alone.
But I don’t want personal development to become an endless project of making myself easier for everybody else to digest.
Sometimes the problem isn’t that you need to become smaller, you’re simply in the wrong room and with the wrong people.
Capacity Has to Go Both Ways
Another lesson I’m carrying forward is about emotional capacity. We often talk about holding space for people. But we don’t talk enough about asking whether someone actually has space available to hold. Someone can be experiencing grief while you’re experiencing grief or can be overwhelmed while you’re overwhelmed. Someone can need support while you’re barely keeping yourself together.
Two realities can exist simultaneously.
Compassion should not require one person’s circumstances to disappear so another person’s circumstances can take center stage. That’s something I want to become better at myself.
Before unloading something heavy onto another person:
Do you have the capacity for this right now?
Before assuming someone can emotionally carry me:
What are they carrying themselves?
Before becoming offended because someone isn’t showing up the way I expected:
Did I ever ask what they were going through?
Care has to move in both directions.
Reciprocity Means More to Me Now
I’ve also become much more intentional about reciprocity. And reciprocity doesn’t mean keeping score; I’m not counting favors or likes nor expecting every person in my life to contribute to my business, promote my work or provide some measurable benefit, or even partner with me.
Sometimes what someone contributes to your life is laughter, peace, safety, honesty, encouragement, a listening ear or a place where you don’t have to perform. That has tremendous value. I do believe healthy relationships involve some form of circulation. I pour into you. You pour into me. Maybe not equally every day or not in the same way.
Over time, both people should be able to recognize that something nourishing is moving between them.
When one person repeatedly feels depleted, overlooked, unsupported or misunderstood, that deserves examination.
When both people feel depleted by the relationship, that deserves even more examination.
At some point, history alone isn’t enough reason to remain close. The decision to break a bond is never an easy feat.
Not Every Relationship Needs a Villain
This may be the biggest lesson of all. Sometimes two people aren’t good together anymore. In a friendship. In a romantic relationship. Or in a business partnership.
Nobody has to be evil, jealous, diagnosed with something, publicly exposed or even has to agree about what happened.
One person can genuinely believe:
“I gave you space to be yourself.”
And the other can genuinely believe:
“I never felt like I could fully be myself around you.”
One person can feel unsupported. The other can feel overwhelmed.
One can feel misunderstood. The other can feel unheard.
Those realities can coexist.
Sometimes incompatibility becomes more obvious as people grow. And growth can mean accepting that. Cutting the relationship when you realize it’s just not working is a conflicting yet rewarding moment for all parties involved because it gives the individual the chance to invest in relationships that are more meaningful to them.
Looking in the Mirror Doesn’t Always Mean Staying
I believe deeply in self reflection, in examining my patterns, in asking what role I played, in apologizing when I’m wrong, and learning how to communicate better. But I’ve also learned that “work on yourself” can sometimes be interpreted as:
Stay.
Try harder.
Be more understanding.
Give another chance.
Explain yourself again.
Change your expectations.
Become easier to deal with.
Keep accommodating.
That’s not always growth. I can look directly into the mirror and still decide to leave. In fact, sometimes looking in the mirror is exactly what tells me it’s time to go. Because my environment is part of my responsibility too.
Who I allow close to me matters.
What conversations I continuously participate in matters.
What energy I normalize matters.
Where I spend my emotional resources matters.
And the relationships I choose while building the next version of my life matter.
I Don’t Need Everyone to Understand the Boundary
This may be the part I’m practicing now and getting better at expressing it.
I don’t need to explain a boundary until the other person agrees with it. I don’t need somebody to validate my reasons before I’m allowed to change their access to me. I don’t need to prove that my interpretation is the correct one. And I don’t have to convince somebody that their interpretation of me is wrong. They are allowed their experience. I’m allowed mine.
I can hear someone’s criticism and ask myself:
Is there something here that can make me better?
If the answer is yes, I can take it.
Maybe it’s 10 percent.
Maybe it’s 50 percent.
Maybe there’s a truth buried underneath language I disagree with. I’ll take the truth. I’ll leave the rest. That is accountability too.
Some People Can Be Loved From Another Distance
I’m becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea that changing a relationship doesn’t erase what was real about it. I can appreciate what someone once meant to me without requiring them to occupy the same position in my future. I can wish someone well without giving them intimate access to me. I can recognize someone’s good qualities while acknowledging that our dynamic isn’t good for me.
I can love someone and stop bonding with them. I can forgive without rebuilding. I can understand without returning. And I can walk away without turning someone into an enemy.
There doesn’t always need to be a dramatic ending. Sometimes there simply needs to be a different distance.
Raising Myself Requires Better Discernment
I’m in a season where I’m learning how to raise myself higher. That means improving my circumstances, my environment, the quality of my relationships, how I communicate, how I listen, how I handle conflict, how carefully I choose where my energy goes.
And yes, improving myself.
But becoming better doesn’t mean becoming less. I don’t want relationships that require me to continuously contain myself in order to preserve them.
I want relationships where I can be challenged without being diminished. Where someone can disagree with me without either of us needing to win. Where we can tell each other difficult truths without turning those truths into weapons. Where support is reciprocal and capacity is respected, differences don’t automatically become threats.
Where I can pour into someone without abandoning myself. And where the person sitting across from me has room to be fully themselves too.
That’s the kind of relationship I want to become capable of maintaining. And that’s the kind of person I want to become. I’ll keep looking in the mirror, examining my behavior, and listening to difficult feedback.
I’ll correct myself when correction is necessary and learn how to handle people with greater care. I’ll also pay attention to the environment reflected behind me. Because growth isn’t about changing the person in the mirror.
Sometimes growth is realizing that the person in the mirror deserves a different environment.
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